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exoticbirdbingo
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Name: sheeren
Country: Cyprus
Gender: Female
Interests: God, ecology, botany, singing, laughing, telling anecdotes and stories, understanding things, friendship, love
Expertise: :P
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AIM:  moonprincess099
Member Since:
3/25/2006
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| dream
the dream that broke my heart so badly i almost could not get up this morning
is this worth describing? every word saps the emotions these images extract
and certainly a lot is forgotten and misspoken. i can only hope that these words can give some window into the brokenness that i felt this morning; it's already been two hours since i woke up to it.
it was halloween [significant? maybe. halloween was the last time i was painfully aware that a soon-to-be ex did care about me]. why we were somewhere as big as the del mar fairgrounds, i don't know.
lost in a sea of people
and at a table which took up most of a small stage sat three well-dressed couples. i recall the rest of us were dressed casually, and i would say grungily, with the exception of some low-key costumes; but i felt the rest of us were covered in mire. two of the guys were unmemorable, and carrie and stacy geare and paul were also at the table. the woman with paul was pretty, radiant, and confident, and on her he was focused, and he spun her around gently, as one would a ballerina, on that stage before that table. i don't believe i've seen her before, but here she was his girlfriend.
there is an emotion that is lost in this description. i felt unnoticed by anyone there; in a sea of people, i felt alone. but to see him with her made me feel undesirable, disposable, like garbage, and that is the way i felt throughout the dream. but i have felt this way before, and perhaps the warning is, again, that a man who makes me feel this way, especially frequently, is someone to run from.
i at some point must have arrived onto the side of that stage connected to other stages, or they must all have lowered to the ground, for i was looking at them as they were leaving, and i started crying. stacy saw this, and asked me what was wrong. i began to describe to her how paul had liked me before, and how he knew i had liked him too, how grade school do all these things sound...and before i could recount all the heartbreak and injustice i felt, someone (whom i also did not recognize but supposed would be relavent to the conversation) returned, and i was unable to finish the unloading of my burden.
this was a very short moment. for the rest of the dream all of them were together, or at least near, with the couples being together, and i knew this acutely despite being distant from them. i traveled through the park alone and chaotic in the sea of people, moving quickly and not knowing where we were ending up, and neither recognizing nor meeting anyone, ending up in various dangerous and existential situations that one might find in cube or hypercube--at one point, everyone was crossing using swinging chains, and while i did not feel a great risk of death, there was a good amount of fear.
there was a point to all of this. i can't remember much of it, but it says run. there is way too much interpretation that can be done with even this short segment of the dream and with every aspect of it. i feel valueless and i feel like trash and that is not God's plan for me. but why do i feel alone? why do i run to one person? i want to cry sometimes, and especially when i woke up. i am cared for, but only when i am around, and arguably only because i seem pleasing to the eyes. i have spent so long valuing a whole person, but that person seems only a daydream, and the nightmare fights its way back in, speaking some reality in the form of nonsense. God save, God guide, God heal.
and there is also something here about how he pursues women he does not know, but simply finds attractive--and beginning with that basis to already have dates--what do we become? only toys, not friends. honeypots which must be appeased. i'm literally putting my head in my hands. maybe that is why i did not recognize the woman, and while admiring her poise, did not wish to be her. the problem is not with who or where i am, but with the characteristics about him that i can't change and must run from. who am i to him anyway? and now my demands are narrowed to one heart-wrenching plea: stop flirting. and my fears, that that will either be unheeded or, worse, be discovered as the base of our friendship, and the lack of it will completely destroy it. i don't remember the last significant friendship i've had of this sort. God save us.
*it doesn't matter how much fun we have together because no other friend could conceivably be so close and yet not chat with me at all when we are apart. it's just not right and it's killing me. please stop, stop something--and it looks like that's going to have to be everything that connects us.
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| by the way, i just happened to find out some things in the last couple hours about how much more tag had lied to me. what a cold, heartless, womanizing jack-...alope.
why is a girl who finds compassion more stunningly beautiful than anything else constantly attracted to those who don't display it very well?
of course, paul has done and has offered to do some wonderful things for me before, but i must MUST not neglect, and at the very very least come to terms with, these glaring signs of lacking love.
what does it come down to? i incidentally believe that God is the same way: ritual means nothing. in my heart of hearts, i only want to be treated if he truly desires me to have better, not because he wants me to believe that it is that way or because society tells him to offer certain things. and this applies also to his love of other people
the biggest deal: nurse anesthetist. i'm all for male nurses, but of course reasons matter, and it seems like his is money, made in a healthcare setting, and finding his job interesting. that's not passion, no...that's money made in a supposedly acceptable environment. i don't know if i could be with someone who is against socialized healthcare, and actually wants to profit off of the current ridiculous and bankruptcy-forcing system. my heart is crying.
he did not insist on paying for my dinner. not that he didn't offer, and persist...but insistence is certainly much more convincing....
"will you take me to utc tomorrow to buy a gift certificate for my mom's birthday?" did not engender a positive response. maybe this seems less important. but it really isn't, especially considering the circumstances: my mom's birthday had passed, my car battery had died, and paul is leaving town today (2 days following). implications: paul is not excited to see me the next day. paul does not lovingly respond to an opportunity to help me, does not love me selflessly, as Christ loves the church.
"come to my graduation" received an even less positive response. it's 3 hours long, he wants to go home to Redlands, etc, etc...and after all of that i gave up again and said it really wasn't that important. by the way, this and the former request were the experimental belated terms of a bet i won, about the name of Fruitti Yogurt. yeah.
when he complained about the time committment, i asked him to come just at the end to say hi, and he asked if that was his purpose at the ceremony--just to come and say hi. i realized how stupid it sounded, and that what i really, really wanted was for him to show up with flowers and make me feel that i was really special to him, exactly what i had hoped for at my Gospel choir concert, which he didn't even show up at (how did he convince me he was such a romantic, that i would expect even flowers? but why wouldn't he think of such a thing???? one who prides himself on understanding, very blindly).
chairs. there is a cushy swivel chair and a padded fold-out chair. i was asked to choose one, and i wasn't even as polite as usual. i asked what he wanted my answer to be, because i thought the difference was obvious. who would choose the foldout? and he said he just wanted me to be comfortable, but i waited for him to choose first, and got stuck with the fold-out chair. WHO ASKS THAT QUESTION AND PICKS SUCH A STUPID ANSWER??
by the way, i should include in here that i did make the effort to make things easier on him by downplaying my requests and allowing him to make choices, but what i needed to see was an effort to create good things for me, as i would like to do for him. i am so hurt again by his lack of compassion.
and of course i've been mean to him before--but that is when i genuinely did not like him, and meant to express as much. so unless he is trying to express that to me, all of this is major fail.
and yet i still miss that warm hug, his eyes searching mine, and the incredible dynamic and appreciation of our combined weirdness and the laughter it generates, and how attractive he actually was yesterday. how tragic are all of these warning signs--he was, or did seem like, such a great guy.
and then what was God's point yesterday? i'm still so confused! it was my Mom's birthday, and yet i was eating dinner and hanging out until 5 am with paul, and at the time when my car broke down, it was certain that my inability to transport myself to san marcos, along with my Dad's stubbornness and lack of concern for this day to celebrate my Mom, would lead to dinner with Paul, and yet He let it happen. What was Your point, LORD? i came away from last night with only a heart afloat, the yearning for these next three weeks to fly by, for him to be near and something to start, but with a lingering darkness in the back of my mind, reminding me that i was neglecting his shortcomings.
may the blessing of God be upon all of us.
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| i keep thinking that no one loves me as unselfishly as he does. these are reminders of how that is far past the truth.
when i borrowed his computer (i admit, i am likely more selfish than he), i was impressed by the sacrifices he made, but he had been on the phone with his mother. he was not mean, but his frustrated attitude seemed to neglect the feelings of the woman he spoke to. and the adage came to mind, that you can tell a lot about how a man will treat you from the way he treats his mother.
i thought it was isolated, and that he was such a loving gentleman and would never treat me this way, but i see it in his mockery of me and frustration with my ideas. God forbid that my opinions should again be suppressed by a significant other. this cannot be the plan for my life.
after i began to show interest in him and talk to him more, it seems initiative mostly dropped out on his end. mostly. only when i determine not to take initiative does he send glances my way, and sometimes beckon me to approach him. my value to him is dying. is it because i am no longer enough of a challenge to chase?
it's quite disturbing--i don't believe i am just giving a usual occurrence more notice. he makes it known to me that he finds other girls attractive, and then proceeds to flirt with them, or at least pay a good deal more attention to them, instead of pursuing me as he used to. this is fine--but it seems he is trying to call attention to it. is he trying to make me jealous? it has worked, but not in any good way. it's not right of me to feel negatively toward these girls who in this situation are blameless. red lights. it's not right for me to be jealous, and that which makes me jealous is not of God. this friend has not expressed explicit interest in pursuing only me, and there is no reason that i should try to hold him to it. however, what i am concerned about is that he seems to be using it to play with me, and (only maybe) to collect more of my efforts so that i am more beholden to him. That's not very loving, and I don't believe I've done this--at least not to make him jealous. maybe to show disinterest. did i start it? i really hope not, although part of me hopes so to give him some justification. but i believe that my case is justified. it's one thing to express disinterest and a desire to befriend others as well; it's quite another to discover a mutual interest and seek power through techniques involving jealousy.
it can be forgiven, but not forgotten in the process of life partner decision-making, that he often makes disrespectful comments concerning women (on thursday night, some lines overheard, probably in the form of jokes, "ladies, i'm in charge here!" "so when i was talking to the girl--when i was talking to the girl"). so maybe that second one doesn't sound so disrespectful, but since it was taken to be a jealousy-instigating comment, i felt that he was referring to not just someone he neglected to mention the name of, but someone he viewed as a prospect. to add, he was also at a very audible volume discussing a very pretty Latina girl (the freshman?? maybe not...because...she must be so young...as is Melissa!)
ew. my finger is still ripped from the sliding glass door which would not slide. the first section is mostly a white prune, with a circle of fresh meat and what looks like a ball of pus on one side.
anyway, last thing for now, and hopefully this is enough information to wake a woman up: i highly disagree with his views on dating, although it's easy to forget when we have a history of friendship and now what was a mutal interest, and i can't stand a lot of his jokes, and the way that he looks into people's eyes, and how he never used to offer to walk me to my car, and how he seems to be on the border of having ocd in terms of cleanliness and recipes, and may be quite a picky eater, and thinks so much of himself. and yet i am sure i think even more of myself...but this isn't what i want. i want a relationship that's grounded in prayer and pursuit of God, mutually supportive, and where i don't have to convince myself to be physically attracted to my boyfriend/husband.
Lord protect me from my old ways and keep me from sin <3.
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| i might remove this later, but right now i'm in my vengeful mood again. things like this should not be, cannot be hidden.but this is what has been destroying me lately. i have God to thank for whatever sanity and life i have left
well a certain girl named karina convinces me that you females can be pretty bad too   "> 1:11amSheerennot this bad real girls don't like nice guys, tho, i know this from experience 1:12amSheerennot to deceive a well-meaning girl into trusting you, then proceed to push her to do things she doesn't feel good about and then break up with her when she won't but first sleep with another girl and then tell your ex you're not sorry, there's nothing to be forgiven and i do like nice guys, i would never have dated him if i had known he was so cruel OHoho h sorry, wow that really is mean 1:13amSheerenhe convinced me he was well-meaning though i really loved him too and by that i mean that i was sacrificial toward him and he was completely selfish i have to concede, that is meaner than karina
by the way, i'm not sure if "mean" is the word i would use, but sure. that begins to convey it....
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| characterized by firmness of rational despair and equally firm reluctance to alter one's course, for sake of preserving a comfortably connective status quo
*the scientific soundness of this category of disorder is assuredly backed with weight given primarily to unavailable empirical studies
now for a tangentially related, extensive research paper by a friendly math grad.
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